Burrell's Festival of Pain - GT Black, 8th May 05

The 3rd Annual James Burrell 'Festival of Pain' at Glentress promised to be the best ever.

With a record turn-out expected, together with an epic ride taking in the Black Helly Hanson Route and then the climb to the top of the Red Route, the day promised the best that Glentress has to offer.

As much as I would love to regale you with tales of my lung bursting climbs, the death defying descents and my physical achievements, I can't, because for most of it - I simply wasn't there! Let me fill you in - last Sunday saw me on bit of a training ride with Andy H and Phil. At one point I rode off a kerb (yes I was testing my courage) and my bike let out a massive crunch! 'What was that?' asked Phil, 'Err, my seat I think?' I replied…

Back to today - Having climbed from the Hub up to the Black run (albeit bringing up the rear!), I was just about to reach the stone 'staircase' on the goat track when I heard the same noise again! Only this time, when I went to sit down again, I was rewarded with a carbon-fibre seat pole stuck in my ass (yes I know – it’s not the first time blah blah blah)! After struggling to catch the rest of the guys, I tried everything we had at hand to find a temporary fix to the problem (the steel seat cradle had become un-stuck from the carbon tube). However, no amount of duck tape or bashing with a rock is ever going to get it fixed, and so, with no chance of continuing I left the group and returned saddle-less back to The Hub.

Meanwhile, the rest of the group continued on and headed up the steep, twisting and technical single track. Well done to those who managed to ride up the very steep section leading onto Kipps Loop, where the views are breath taking and awe inspiring!

After reaching the shelter at the top of Caresman Hill, banana’s and chocolate were the order of the day, before the signal was given again – “Come on lads, we have to climb up to Mast!” “No, not more uphill” was the common reply! Cycling (or walking as the case often was) on the group were soon rewarded with the fine site of Britney Spears shortly followed by the excellent (although short in distance) descent named after the Princess of Pop herself before the final climb to the Mast and a well deserved rest.

Burrell's Festival of Pain!!!As all this was taking place, I dropped down the mountain and re-visited the mechanic at the Hub Bike Shop. Having had my gears checked out before we set off, the mechanic was rather surprised to see me again, and no-doubt enjoyed a good laugh at my misfortune – not to mention the forty odd quid that he charged me for a replacement seat post! A quick swap over of my seat, a cuppa and a couple of butties later and I was back in the van driving up to the Buzzards Nest car park – much to the disgust of Phil DP (lazy fat puff etc)! From there, I cycled up to the top of the Red Route where I planned to meet up again with the rest of the group.

Meanwhile, the group finished their lunch, and started on the very technical descent of the Black Route. All credit to everyone for making it down alive – this route is certainly for the more experience riders and proves a real test of bike handling and courage.

From what I heard in the pub over our post-ride pint, Andy Barber’s attempt at a double showed us what happens when you don't carry enough speed, Steve Truscott’s comedy roll off the edge of an enormous cliff and Gary White getting all Rock n Roll on his hire bike managing to break the seat, the gears, the brakes and several spokes certainly made the trip all the more memorable!

After missing out Deliverance & Redemption (the names say it all), and with the Scottish weather doing it's best to dampen our spirits, the group split at the junction of the Black and Red Routes, and those who still had some feeling in their legs made the uphill trip to the top of the Red Route and the planned meeting with yours truly. The rest of the guys took the soft option (sorry guys) and followed the Escape Route back to The Hub.

But for those who did make it - what a treat!

In the 13 months since we last rode it, the top of the Red Route had been transformed! Gone were the loose gravel and rutted single track, and in their place were huge bomb holes, massive burms, jumps and table tops!

God bless Betty Blue and the Hairy Bear!

What a trail - simply the most fun I have ever had on a bike and unlike anything I've ridden before, and I certainly think that everyone who made the lung bursting climb to the top can say the same.

The following sections down the mountain were tame in comparison, but hugely enjoyable non-the-less, although the final climb took the stuffing out of most of us!

The usual hospitality from The Hub was great as always and gave us a good chance to compare injuries over a cuppa and a bit of cake.

A few people to thank this time;

Firstly - all the guys who attended. I hope you all enjoyed it and we'll see you next year if not before.
The mechanic at The Bike Place who fixed my bike not once - but twice with 30 seconds notice
But most of all, to Andy H and Phil, who took over the organising of the group, and led the chastising of my pitiful display on the mountain!

Now, anyone got the number for Easton customer services???